A handy 11-point guide to breaking up with your f*ck buddy

It’s a tale as old as Tinder: two people match, these people decide to meet up. One thing leads to another, they fall into bed, lives get busy and they decided to go on as f*ck buddies.

Eventually they realise they love each other and they want more than just the physical connection and they all live happily ever after. Blah, blah, blah.

Yet, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes you will meet someone new, who comes out of nowhere to grab you by the feelings and reel you in. Before you know it, things are getting serious and that’s when a message from your f*ck buddy pops up, “Hey, what night are you free this week?” Here’s how to let them down gently (or not).

Firstly, you have two options:

1. Ghost them

Ah, the age-old trick. What once was ignoring someone’s phone calls and creepy house drive-bys has turned into ignoring their Facebook and text messages, sub tweets and snapchats. Basically, if you want to cut ties completely and brutally, ghosting is the way to go. It screams, ‘I am a wuss and can’t tell you I want to end this’.

2. Don’t ghost them

If you have a little bit more heart than those who ghost, perhaps think of giving them a call or even just a message. If you have found someone else or things are just fizzling out, let them know gently.

If you chose the latter, below find some suggestions on how to take care of business:

Whatever you do, don’t invite them to a party only to introduce them to your new significant other

Yes, this has happened. A friend was invited to a party by a guy he was ‘friend with benefits’ with, only to be introduced to the guy’s new boyfriend. Needless to say much confusion followed.

Press pause

If things between the two of you begin to get a bit more serious to a level where you’re not comfortable with, perhaps it’s time to have a discussion with them and tell them you ‘need to hit the pause’ button for a while. It’s 2016’s equivalent of the Ross and Rachel ‘we were on a break’. Just conveniently forget to un-pause …

Take a lesson from the corporate world

Call them and ask them to meet you in your lunch hour. Book a meeting room. Sit them down. Offer them a glass of water. Let them know you’ve streamlined operations and can no longer offer benefits. Show them the door.

If you are looking for something more, tell them

If you want the emotional attachment along with the physical connection, tell your f*ck friend the truth. If you want it with them, tell them, they may feel the same (hello Hollywood movie ending) or they may not. If you want it with someone else, say, “It’s been great but I need something more.” And then run off to your pre-arranged get away motorcycle.

The one where you have mutual friends and it gets extra awkward

If you are one of the rarities who met IN REAL LIFE instead of on a dating app, there are high chances you were introduced by mutual friends, friends who will still be mutual friends once this whole thing is over. So take them and their obligations they have to both of you before you decide to ghost the other person.

Do not send them a hypothetical message asking what they would write in this article

Hypothetically speaking, if the writer had a hypothetical f*ck buddy who they hypothetically wanted to kick to the curb and they hypothetically sent them a text saying they were reading an article about f*ck buddies and awful break-up stories and asked them how they would hypothetically break up with you – do you think they would see the blindingly obvious sub-text? All hypothetical, of course.

Send them a matter-of-fact email

Dear F*ck Buddy,

As much as I have enjoyed the past few months with you, I have come to the realisation that sex is sacred and should be performed by two people who love each other and not horny friends.

I wish you all the best for your future endeavours.

Regards,

Your former F*ck Buddy.

That should do the trick.

If they aren’t treating you right, forget all the above advice

Being a f*ck buddy is all about mutual respect and a mutual agreement between two adults. It can not be one-sided, you should not feel worse about yourself after you see them and there should be trust between the two of you. If the other person breaks this trust and respect in any way it’s time to look after yourself and yourself only. Ghost them, tell them how it is, whatever, just get rid of them.

Be considerate

In all seriousness, no matter what happens, this is someone you’ve been physical with and shared parts of your day in after-sex convo with. You have a good rapport, you may not have feelings for them but you care about them, even just a little. Think about this before you go all cold-turkey.