Man told he he can’t marry his laptop, because it’s not old enough

Utah is battling a lawsuit from a man demanding the right to marry his laptop.

Anti-LGBT lawyer Chris Sevier is suing the state of Utah for the right to tie the knot to his Macbook, claiming his right to tie the knot to his computer is the same as any gay couple’s right to marry.

Sevier, who has filed action on similar grounds in Texas and Kentucky, claims that because same-sex marriage is legal the state of Utah must also allow him to tie the knot with his computer.

The state responded to his lawsuit this week – explaining that his laptop is in fact under the age of consent.

Utah’s assistant Attorney General David Wolf wrote: “Under Utah law, Sevier’s computer is not a party legally capable of entering into a solemnized marriage and cannot meet the consent requirement of the unsolemnized marriage statute.

“Even if that were not the case, unless Sevier’s computer has attained the age of fifteen it is too young to marry under Utah law.

“Therefore, Sevier cannot satisfy even the most basic requirements for a valid marriage under Utah law. His factual allegations are not plausible, and his claims should be summarily dismissed.”

The state response also affirmed that same-sex marriage is not the same thing as marrying an inanimate object.

The response says: “In [equal marriage ruling] Obergefell, the Supreme Court recognized that the liberty interest in marriage, as protected by the United States Constitution, ‘requires a State to license a marriage between two people of the same sex’.

“Obergefell does not establish a constitutionally protected right to marry a laptop computer or marry more than one person.

“Nor does any decision of any court expand the right to marry to such a result. Simply put, there is no substantive due process liberty interest in marrying an inanimate object, or in marrying multiple people.

“Plaintiffs’ claims based on being denied the ability to marry a computer or marry polygamously fail as a matter of law.”

In a bizarre twist, the case sees the same avowed Republicans who battled against same-sex marriage now defending it for legal reasons.

Utah Governor Gary Herbert was so opposed to equal marriage that he pursued costly years-long legal appeals in a bid to block gay weddings.

But in the new case, his counsel defended the law as it stands.

Sevier’s lawsuit had claimed he “was denied this dignity interest and turned away because his marriage request was outside considered morally repugnant and less valid than a woman’s request to many a woman.”

It adds: “The laws that exclude individuals who want to marry an inanimate object or something other than a members of the same-sex or opposite sex a marriage license and including the laws that do not recognise a marriage ceremony that has taken place between a man and a machine.”

• Drag
• Jan 03

Start your engines! All 16 seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race US ranked from worst to best