Bisexual man questions whether to tell his fiancée about his sexuality before marriage
(Stock photo via Envato Elements)
A bisexual man has questioned whether to tell his female fiancée about his sexuality before his wedding day in a startling write-in to a UK advice columnist.
In the Dear Richard Madeley advice column in The Telegraph, a man called Robin pleaded to Madeley for advice in this tight situation.
One that complicates further as, it turned out, months after the engagement, he and a man had a brief physical affair.
While the fling is long over, he knows deep down that it’s likely to happen again.
‘I know now that one day I’ll cheat on her with another man.’
“I suppose I always knew I was bi, but until last year I was pretty much in denial,” he wrote in an email to the columnist.
“I’d never had an actual relationship with another man, so I was able to tell myself my feelings for men were purely in the realms of an occasional fantasy.
“Then last year, months after I had happily become engaged, I fell into a brief physical relationship with a guy at work.
“It’s over now, and it ended on perfectly good terms, but deep down I’m pretty sure this won’t be my last same-sex relationship.
“I am truly in love with my fiancée and our sex life is good. I want her to have our children and cannot imagine life without her.
“But I know now that one day I’ll cheat on her with another man.”
Advice columnist’s suggestion? ‘First, second, third and last – tell your fiancée.’
“Welcome to Planet Complicated,” the journalist joked in his response, “you’ve discovered just how extraordinarily complex human existence can be.”
Madeley is firm in his help to Robin: “First, second, third and last – tell your fiancée. Tell her what you’ve discovered about your sexuality.
“You cannot marry her on, if not a direct lie, a deception by omission.”
Participants display a bisexual pride flag while marching from Jardim do Príncipe Real to Ribeira das Naus during the 20th LGBTI+ parade on June 29, 2019 in Lisbon, Portugal. (Horacio Villalobos#Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images)
He goes onto stress that coming out a bisexual to a loved one should in not way be seen as a “confession. You have nothing to be guilty about. You’ve belatedly realised that you are bisexual.
“So what? Join a cast of millions. History is full of examples of happy marriages that accommodated bisexuality in one spouse – or both.”
However, he warned that there’s no guarantee that Robin’s fiancée will react positively. Studies in the past have shown that bi folk are less likely to open up about their identity to important people in their lives than gay and lesbian people.
Many involved in the study cited harmful stereotypes and misunderstanding as why they choose to remain in the closet.
“But you should certainly be prepared to give her time to think things over,” Madeley continued. “You may have to postpone your wedding – again, no big deal; weddings get postponed all the time.
“The crunch issue arises from your honesty in saying that you are not only bisexual by inclination, but that you are going to want to act on that impulse, physically, from time to time in the future.
“You and your fiancée will have to discuss rules and boundaries for this. It may be too much for the relationship, and it may break it. Or you may find an accommodation together.”
Confusion and all, Madeley concluded with some sound advise: “Honesty is not just the best policy – it’s the only policy.”
