A definitive ranking of all 24 Barbie characters based on how much fun they’d be at a gay bar
Ranking every Barbie character poster based on how fun I think they’d be in a gay bar (Warner Bros.)
Calling all dolls: it’s time to rank every character from the upcoming live-action Barbie movie based on nothing other than how much fun we think they’d be at a gay bar.
Unless you’re taking a break from social media right now, your timelines won’t have escaped the news that the plastic fantastic Barbie movie has ramped up its promotional campaign, putting its jelly heel pedal to the metal on Margot Robbie’s glam convertible by releasing an outrageously camp trailer and two dozen character posters of Barbies, Kens and humans.
Aside from Robbie’s titular glamazon and Ryan Gosling’s Ken, we’ve been introduced to the likes of Dua Lipa’s Mermaid Barbie, Hari Nef‘s Doctor Barbie and Issa Rae’s Barbie President, which have already inspired a wave of hilarious memes.
Conversely, every Ken revealed is simply “Ken” or “Ken Again” – Greta Gerwig, we salute you and your genius mind. Come along as we rank every single character in Barbie’s doll house based on their potential to cause chaos at a gay bar.
24. Suit – Jamie Demetriou
This character has rancid vibes for a night out. He would complain about having a headache at pre-drinks, then go to bed at 10pm and get annoyed at everyone the next day for having fun. Has probably never set foot in a gay bar, and probably never will. We can feel the need to party leaving our bodies just discussing him. Get him out of our sight!
23. Human – Ariana Greenblatt
Not only is this character a human, she’s also a child. She would give all the annoying younger sister vibes at pre-drinks, then go and sit on Snapchat or whatever children do now. Still more entertaining than Suit, but only because he’s bottom of the list.
22. Allan – Michael Cera
Really weird vibes here. Had never heard of Allan before these character posters and wish it had stayed that way. He seems like the kind of guy who follows you around and magically loses his wallet at the bar, and always unnecessarily puts his hand on your lower back when walking past. No, none of us are giving you our number, Allan, despite your best efforts to look a bit of a twink.
21. Human – America Ferrera
While we absolutely love America Ferrera, she finds herself low on our list purely on the basis that if America’s human were to be found in a gay bar, she’d definitely be on a hen do and intent on getting on stage during the drag queen’s number.
20. Another Ken – Simu Liu
Simu Liu‘s Ken is stressing us out. Look at this muscle queen. One of those gays you’d catch laughing at you when you’re just trying to have a boogie. Exclusively drinks vodka with lime and soda because he’s on a “cut”, whatever that is. Long story short, he’s giving judgemental vibes and therefore not fun. Maybe he’d be more at home in the gym.
19. Intern – Connor Swindells
Now, intern may be cute, but the Sex Education star’s character radiates nervous energy – so much so that if he were to set foot in a gay bar, he would likely start crying, sink far too many shots to build up some courage, then have to be taken home because he was found throwing up in the toilets. Not fun.
18. Executive – Will Ferrell
We just don’t know what to do with this character, although we did cheat a bit and found out he’s an executive (the suit and tie gave us the hint). The caption ‘Please call me mother’ is potentially misleading, because it implies that he’s going for Ian McKellen levels of old queen gay bar attendance, which is certainly a plus, but the get-up says otherwise. Approach with caution.
17. Midge – Emerald Fennell
It’s not advised to drink while pregnant, and while we don’t doubt that Midge could spill some juicy gossip over a glass of Merlot, we’re not sure this character screams “gay bar”. When was the last time you saw a mother-to-be do the worm? Cute maternity dress though.
16. Physicist Barbie – Emma Mackey
Not overly convinced by the headband, but sickening colour scheme otherwise. We reckon our physics queen would know how to mix drinks perfectly, but she strikes us as an early leaver, because she has a 6am session with her personal trainer. Clearly that’s not conducive to wild partying. Probably gets emotional during drinking games, too.
15. Journalist Barbie – Ritu Arya
There’s always a time to clock off, journalist Barbie. Put the notepad down and chill out! Have a drink, have a dance, put that microphone way. We have the strong feeling she’d have a camera ready to capture every embarrassing drunk decision, and you’d wake up to the experience of being an unwilling viral sensation. If she were able to let loose, on the other hand, she’d undoubtedly be a slay.
14. Diplomat Barbie – Nicola Coughlan
It breaks our hearts to put Nicola Coughlan’s character this low on the list, but being a diplomat does not go hand-in-hand with a night doing sourz shots during Porn Idol at G-A-Y. On her days off, she’d be an absolute firecracker, but unfortunately she has a country to run, and you can’t fault that. On a side note, does anyone really know what diplomats do?
14. Ken too – Kingsley Ben-Adir
Kingsley Ben-Adir’s Ken looks cute! We’d trust him with our drink, but he wouldn’t be the first person we’d look to if “WAP” were to start playing, you know? A solid, middle-of-the-road Ken. Would have a good chat in McDonald’s and probably check that everyone got home safe. Two thumbs up for you, Ken.
12. Lawyer Barbie – Sharon Rooney
Sharon Rooney’s Lawyer Barbie definitely comes from the school of work hard, play hard, but none of us are particularly into the formal lewk for a night out. Look at that face though, she’d make you do tequila shots even if you politely declined, and you know drinks would be on her! Definitely a celebrity divorce lawyer. Just don’t make any awful jokes about taking down your briefs…
11. Supreme Court Justice Barbie – Ana Cruz Kayne
We’d have put Judge Barbie lower on the list for the same reason as Diplomat Barbie, but look how fun she looks. Cute little crop and skirt co-ord, fun accessories, a high pony – this is a good-time gal, with a need for justice and surely not put on the bench by Donald Trump. Would definitely not be afraid to scrap if someone insulted Barbie’s jelly heels, and would be the first on the dance floor during the opening bars of Ariana Grande “Into You”.
10. Cowboy Ken – Scott Evans
In our minds, Cowboy Ken and Ken Again are dating, but they’re a fun couple! Yes, there’s PDA, but we’re in a gay bar, so what do you expect? They love Renaissance which is why they’re both wearing cowboy hats, but Cowboy Ken does give whispers of Republican energy. He’s trying hard to unlearn his internalised homophobia, and does so by going hard on the drinks. Fun.
9. Ken Again – Ncuti Gatwa
The more outgoing half of the Ken couple, Ncuti Gatwa‘s character knows every single step to “Cuff It” and will clear the dance floor to make that common knowledge. He hypes you up in the toilets and can hold his alcohol like no one’s business. Will kick off if someone steals his hat though, and quite right too!
8. Author Barbie – Alexandra Shipp
Let’s be real, that corset just screams “Hit the Slay Button”. She’s fun, she’s friendly, she’s cute and she definitely looks after her girls on a night out. She’s also giving versatility, and by that we mean you could either see her with a cosmopolitan from Soho House or a vodka and cranberry in Spoons. Either way, she’s there for fun.
7. Barbie – Margot Robbie
We know, we know, but hear us out. We feel Barbie would be crying in the smoking area, but only because she saw Ken snogging Allan, and that’s not her fault! But before the meltdown, she knows the official choreography for every song, always gets a round of drinks, and really does just want everyone to have a good time. Margot Robbie is the best casting ever, by the way.
6. The Narrator – Helen Mirren
Dame Helen Mirren is a bona fide icon, and her narrator will undoubtedly live up to that title. Quite simply, this is the face of someone who’s been in many a gay bar. Doesn’t have to queue because she knows the owner. Free entry, free drinks all night, dance moves you’ve never even heard of. Rich, but not annoying about it. Such a legend that she turns up in a tracksuit and doesn’t give a f**k.
5. President Barbie – Issa Rae
This is not only the president of Barbieland – this is also the president of having the best night out you’ve ever been on. Not a hangover to be seen, because you’d wake up in the White House (or is that the Pink House?) and can drink more than everyone else on this list put together. I pledge allegiance to the slay. You get a sash, you get a sash, everybody gets a sash.
4. Ken – Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling‘s Ken is the perfect, smooth-brained himbo for a night out. No questions asked about anything – he’s just there to have fun, look pretty and be the token jock who gets brought up on stage to strip by a drag queen. Look at that perfectly bleached hair. The streets of Soho will never be the same.
3. Mermaid Barbie – Dua Lipa
It’s Dua Lipa in the most synthetic wig you’ve ever seen. Need we say more? Let’s. Get. Physical.
2. Doctor Barbie – Hari Nef
On the basis that this Barbie is a doctor and that dress, Hari Nef‘s character must surely go hard on a night out. We have never seen drunker people medics on a night out – phenomenal scenes to be expected, and it goes without saying that she’d still pull off a 12-hour shift the next day.
1. Physical Barbie – Kate McKinnon
Yeah, Kate McKinnon‘s physical Barbie is crazy. She’s fun. Look at the clothes! She adheres to no rules and certainly no regulations. She’s someone that you could only go out with on one or two nights a year because you know you’ll be nursing a hangover worse than Trixie Mattel‘s RuPaul Snatch Game impression for days after. Loves a fireball shot. Never leaves the dance floor. Lasts until 6am. Slay.
Barbie is released in UK cinemas on 21 July.
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