5 things demisexual people really want you to understand

Demisexual is a label given to those who only experience sexual attraction to someone after they have formed an emotional bond, and is part of the asexuality spectrum.

As part of Asexuality Awareness Week, PinkNews asked YouTuber Christi Kerr to define and highlight the demi experience and how demisexual people navigate relationships.

Demisexuality falls between the spectrum of sexuality and asexuality. Straight, gay, lesbian and bi people can be demisexual. 

The term also has its own flag, an adaptation of the asexual Pride flag, with each colour representing something special to the demisexual community.

Black symbolises the wider asexual community, white symbolises sexuality, purple represents the community and gray refers to the grey area between asexuality and allosexuality (people who experience sexual attraction). 

Kerr previously told PinkNews, in response to the myth that demisexual is an unnecessary term, that the label helps demisexual people feel “so validated”. 

“There’s a lot of gay, bi, pan, trans, non-binary, demi people out there that would disagree,” she adds.

She said that she often receives “a lot of negative attention online” for being demisexual, but never chose to identify as demisexual which can make her dating life challenging.

In the video below, Kerr highlights what it means to be demisexual and how she navigates relationships. 

And, thanks to Kerr, here are five things you need to know about being demisexual:

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Demisexuality is all about the emotional bond

Kerr explained that demisexuality is a sexuality on the asexual spectrum and means that you very rarely experience sexual attraction to others and when you do it’s towards someone whom you have a very strong emotional bond. 

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Crushes on strangers simply don’t happen

Kerr said demisexual people would not feel sexual attraction towards people they see walking down the street or an acquaintance, but only towards people who they’re close friends with or in a romantic relationship with. 

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Dating when you’re demisexual can be tricky

According to Kerr, who has used dating apps, it can be very frustrating to date when you’re demisexual. She explained that she can see people on the apps, go on dates with them to sense if there’s chemistry or if they could be a good fit, but her feelings of romantic and sexual attraction sometimes do not happen.

“I can speculate that they might if we got closer as friends first, but that’s not very fair to someone who’s already interested in dating me,” she shared. 

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People’s responses to demisexuality vary

Kerr came out as demisexual through a YouTube video. She said lots of people in her life already knew but they hadn’t spoken about it. Sadly lots of people who hadn’t heard of it before react by saying “That’s so good of you, I could never be like that” or “Good for you for making that choice,” Kerr said. 

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Keep reminding people what being demisexual is

Demisexuality isn’t a choice. “That’s not what demisexuality is”, Kerr highlighted. It is “more than just choosing not to have sex outside of relationships, it’s genuinely not being interested in sex with people outside of a relationship or close friendship,” she explained.