What is a ‘stone top’ lesbian? Everything you need to know about the term
Representatives of the Buffalo Radical Lesbians take part in an LGBTQ+ parade through New York City on Christopher Street Gay Liberation Day 1971. (Getty)
A stone top – also known as touch-me-not – lesbian is a term used almost exclusively in the sapphic community.
Language and phrases have become vital tools for self-expression when it comes to identity and desires for queer people. But there have been many misconceptions about stone top lesbians, which we are here to clear up for you.
What does ‘stone top’ lesbian mean?
Generally, a stone top lesbian is an individual who does not want to receive during sex and has boundaries when it comes to intimate touch.
While there are masculine-presenting people who self-identify as stone butches, others use the phrases stone femmes, stone tops or just stones.
The Urban Dictionary, admittedly not always the most reliable source, refers to the term as the opposite to a pillow princess, saying it is “someone who only likes to ‘give’ during sex/coitus/intercourse.”
On Reddit, when a user asked about the term, there were a number of different answers. One person said: “Stone top (usually used as a synonym for stone butch) means that the top doesn’t want to receive physical attention during sex.”
Another wrote: “It can mean different things to different people but I’d say it’s someone who derives pleasure from giving rather than receiving and who does not receive sexually for the most part.”
One TikToker defined stone butch as “a lesbian who displays real ‘masculinity’ and does not allow her genitals to be touched during sexual activity.”
On Medium, someone else noted that the label was not just applicable to sexuality, but also a descriptor for the setting and personality types.
“There is a social aspect to it and every stone experiences it differently. For me, this means having an emotional guard up. I also want to almost worship my bottom and spoil her. I want to take care of her and make her feel like a princess.”
Where does the term come from?
The term is also known as stone butch. This was popularised by Leslie Feinberg’s 1993 novel Stone Butch Blues. The experience of being a lesbian while identifying with typically masculine traits runs throughout the book.
Women’s studies scholar Bonnie Zimmerman has pointed out that a term referring to a lesbian who “does not allow herself to be touched during love-making” has been around since the 40s.
Misconceptions about ‘stone tops’
There are plenty of misconceptions and misunderstandings about stone tops that exist within the LGBTQ+ community.
For some, the pairing of stone top and pillow princess, the butch and the femme, is an imitation modelled from heterosexual relationships. These stereotypes are unpleasant for some.
Another misconception is the notion that stone top lesbians are the ones who put in all the work in a partnership, implying that the other partner is passive. This is a rather reductive portrayal of the nuances and complexities within the dynamics of the relationship.
One Medium user pointed out that it was “limiting” to link “becoming touch-repulsive” to having been sexually abused.
“As a survivor of sexual abuse, but also as a non-binary stone lesbian, the assumption that ‘stone-ness’ is caused by trauma is extremely damaging.”
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